Speechless

by Yamila Y.

I wish I could scream, or even talk. I have so many emotions flowing through my head as I’m led away from my home, the place I’ve lived all my life. Yui and I trudge through the stupid marsh and my need to scream is astounding. Being mute really does suck. I wish the stupid fire had never happened and I would still be able to talk. If I hadn’t inhaled all that smoke, on top of having had laryngitis, I would still be able to speak a coherent sentence. Instead of only being able to make stupid noises and stupid croaks.

I also wish Yui had never fallen in love with my stupid ex-boyfriend Mark. I wish she would have kept her stupid feelings to herself. If she had, we could have avoided an immense number of petty fights and boy drama. It wasn’t my fault Mark didn’t want her, and it also wasn’t my fault he was banned from seeing me after Japan bombed America. I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be Japanese; it wasn’t a choice. If I were white, his parents would have let me date him. Furthermore, if I were white, I wouldn’t be on my way to this stupid camp. At least Yui and I are still friends. I didn’t think we could survive through that boy fight. Thank God we got through it, or else we’d be tearing each other apart during the walk to the stupid camp. I just wish I could scream.

*****

“God, just shut up Yui, it’s four in the morning!” I want to yell at her excited little bobble head. What is she so excited for anyways?

“I just saw the most attractive guy! Granted, he’s a soldier, but still... He winked at me! I swear, he looked straight at me, smiled, then winked!” Could she really already be over Mark? This guy must be really cute… “Did you hear me?” she yells into my ear. I nod and attempt to roll towards the wall of my cramped bunk. I can’t handle her stupid happiness right now. This was our first night in an internment camp, and all she can talk about is whether or not this stupid soldier guy will talk to her.

“He’s tall and he has nice brown hair and blue eyes and is short and....” She rambles on, but I just can’t find myself concentrating on her shallow little rants.

I find my mind drifting to home, or what used to be my home, and thinking about baking a nice fluffy Betty Crocker yellow cake in our small kitchen. Thinking of the smell of Momma’s cookies cooling over the oven, and my father coming home waiting for his hug from my three brothers and me, brings me overwhelming sadness. Will we ever leave this place?

“I’m going to go talk to him,” Yui declares and leaves the bunker. I realize I’ve tuned out throughout her monologue. I wish I could advise her not to go, that an American soldier will just break her heart. Just like Mark broke both of ours. It’s not like she would listen to me even if I could verbalize my feelings about the inevitable mistake she’s making in pursuing him, but all that comes out is a squeak and a nod.

*****

I decide it’s best to go look for Yui because neither of us knows this camp very well and she’s been gone over an hour. “I also don’t want her to get into any unnecessary trouble,” my subconscious adds as I walk through the depressing camp.

That’s when I see him. I know it’s who Yui was talking about because his physical appearance somewhat matches her verbal description. For some inexplicable reason I’m frozen, paralyzed even. Yet the worst thing is, I don’t know if I’m frozen because of his face or because of his actions. Yui was right, he is beautiful. Not just beautiful, extravagant. Her words weren’t able to capture his aura of confidence and strength. If he weren’t being so cruel, I would proclaim him one of those Greek gods, like the ones we learned about in school, and pray to him every night. But no god would ever say those words, much less to a child.

“Go away, you filthy Jap!” he yells at a young boy. “You don’t deserve food, you don’t even deserve life on this earth.”

I can’t believe what I’m witnessing: such a beautiful guy using such nasty words. He stops spewing out his hateful banter when his eyes meet mine. Suddenly my heart just melts. He doesn’t look like a mean guy. He just looks scared. I mentally smack myself. This guy was just yelling at a little kid, and I’m over here imagining his face inches from mine. What is wrong with me?

“John!” My thoughts are interrupted when I hear Yui’s high-pitched squeal. I don’t even have to turn around to know that she’s running along the street in her shiny patent leather Mary Janes and recently sprayed hair, ready to jump right into his arms. I feel bad wishing he won’t catch her mid-jump. I just can’t shake the conflicting emotions running through my head.

*****

I just can’t stop staring at him. Even in a crowded dining hall, all I see is him.  

“I’m so hungry I could eat a horse,” Yui says. “It’s a shame these camps only let us get 48 cents’ worth of food.” Where did she come from? Did she catch me staring at him?

“I think John is staring at me,” she states as if it didn’t break my heart. I’ve tried to conceal my attraction to him the past few days, but it’s just grown stronger. I know if I look at him now, my stupid heart will deceive me. Yui has told me so many amazing stories about him, and every day he just looks more and more appealing to me. I feel as if our hearts are one of a kind magnets, inching closer to each other as part of a science experiment every day. I can’t handle this anymore; although I’ve only hung out with him a couple of times, he really is an amazing guy. I’ve almost forgotten the racism I experienced four days ago, but not quite.

I also know that if I find a way to tell Yui terrible things about him, she’ll end her fling with him and he’ll be all mine.

*****

“Are you sure he said those things?” Yui sobs into the note I gave her. I nod. I’m a terrible friend. Am I really going to lie to Yui about John just to have a chance with him? He raped a Japanese girl, and I heard the General talking about how he was only called to serve in order to protect the town from recurring danger. He was sentenced in court for several racism charges. My words replay over and over in my head. I lied to her, and all of that just to go secretly meet with John in the stockroom, like he asked me to. He told me he never liked her and he snuck out with her those few times to try to get closer to me. I don’t know if what he said is true, but all I know is that I wish I weren’t putting my friendship with Yui in danger. Also I hope what the other guards actually said about his history with infidelity isn’t true.

*****

It’s been a week since I started seeing John in secret. I think Yui might have caught on, but I’ve been trying to be as secretive as possible. Their stupid breakup was heartbreaking for her. She cried for a few days before approaching the aggressive stage of their split. All she does nowadays is talk about how terrible he is.

“You know that bastard is probably going to hurt some other girl in this camp. Watch out; you’re defenseless, being mute and all.”

I know I should feel bad about lying to her, but I just don’t. I’m happy with him, even with his history. Yes, I overheard the guards gossiping like school girls about his past life, but who am I to judge? We all make mistakes. I just hope Yui doesn’t find out I’m seeing him. I know she’d throw a stupid fit.

*****

Embarrassment quickly turns to fright when I see who’s on the other side of the creaky stockroom door.

“How could you do this to me, after everything that happened?” Yui spits when she barges through the door. She looks the angriest I’ve ever seen her. It takes me a moment to realize this anger isn’t directed at me. She’s staring right into the gorgeous blue eyes I’ve come to adore. I’m not numb to the searing pain of Yui’s boney hand against my cheek.

“...and you, you animal! You lied to me about him so that you could be with him. What kind of friend does that? After all the pain we went through with Mark, I thought you would respect me more than to recreate our past problem. You knew I was falling in love with him!”

“You’ve been falling in love with me?” John interjects.

“Shut up!” she screams in his face. His beautiful face contorts into an expression I’ve never seen on him before: regret. It suddenly hits me. He was only with me because he feared rejection from her; I was just his backup plan. He didn’t love me when I was with him. He was never straightforward about his feelings, like he was with Yui when they were together.

“What I  said yesterday was true. I still want you,” he whines.

Yet again, my ignorance hits me. They’ve been together this whole time. I was his dirty little secret, and I thought he just didn’t want to be seen with me in public because of his breakup with Yui, or even because he’s a white soldier and I’m Japanese. Never because I was his secret girl. My hand hits him with such force that he staggers back a few feet. My heart is so shattered that I barely notice the bruising already beginning to form on the back of my hand.

I never want to see him again.

“I never want to see you again,” Yui says in her driest voice. I turn to see this time it’s directed at me. This can’t be happening. I’m losing my best friend and the man I hoped and believed would be my future after I leave this god-forsaken camp. Tears rush down my face as I watch Yui walk out of the room with such a strong look of disgust it could kill a man. I look up at John’s face, for what I hope is the last time, and he runs after her with a tortured expression. I’m left alone in the stupid shed regretting the past month of my life. Yui’s face just keeps replaying in my mind like a broken record. I really just wish I could scream.